Celebrating Bud and Derek - Well Maybe not.

Baseball news centers around the All Star Game this time every year, and every year there is some trivial or not-so-trivial event or non-event that becomes the center of media attention. This year it was Derek Jeter and "will he or won't he show up for the All Star Game" in view of his 3000-hit milestone.

To be honest, I'm glad he wasn't around. Fox Sports is insufferable, even when there really is something newsworthy. Like Bud Selig canceling the '94 World Series. Like Bud auditioning to be a "Cops" mobile-home park resident when Bonds tied Hank Aaron's HR record.  Its hard enough to witness real events when Fox has the broadcast rights; but its their breathless productions of non-events that leave most of America comatose. 

Provide Fox with a chance to overdo something like Derek Jeter actually showing up at the ASG and viewers would have been treated to a 3 hour reality show; "Stalking The Derek". Instead of interviewing Brian Wilson's face nest, Bud's network of choice would have enlightened us with Jeter's critique of the All Star Game (which would not have been seen), his reaction to being proclaimed the most interesting man in the world and when American voters could expect Sir Derek's decision whether or not to accept the 2012 presidential nominations of both parties.

Thankfully, Jeter has been to many All Star Games before; as a player and as Mike Lupica's personal totem pole. Lucky for those who consider Jeter to be even more over-exposed than Oprah, Jerry Springer and Pee Wee Herman, that Jeter, was busy negotiating a deal with the Dos Equis El Jefes to be the new "Most interesting man in the world". Reports that  Jeter demanded that the beer be renamed "Tres thousand Equis" could not be confirmed

So Jeter couldn't be bothered showing up for the amusement of a few thousand Arizona piss-ants. Which was enough to set the chattering chipmunks off, wringing their hands "about the children" and  "what would Christy Mathewson have done?". Ad nauseum.

It does not matter beyond the 24-48 hour news cycle. There are dozens of ASG no-shows every year. And every year the media trots out the names of  Stan Musial, Joe Dimaggio, Willie Mays, Stu Miller, Clark Kent, Frodo and Luke Skywalker; proclaim them to be more respectful of fans than the dastardly, child-eating (insert name of no-show player) ingrate de jour. They wait the requisite 24-48 48 hours, then start up about Tiger Woods' mistress or Tom Brady's hair, or Serena Williams thighs or whatever IQ-robbing topic that rolls across the floor to attract their attention. The season starts again on Thursday and nobody will care about any of it, and Jeter knows that so he just keeps doing what he has always done; look out for Jeter's self-serving interests.

But I keep forgetting for some reason that the nose-picker in chief is still around for these events to award an ugly trophy designed by used car salesmen to the MVP of the most meaningless game of the season. And then the cameras pan onto Bud in one of those 33,000 gray suits he has been collecting since he bought his first Edsel, and I am reminded of why I look forward to the onset of blindness.

Frankly I think Bud has a product placement endorsement with competitors of the Men's Wearhouse to sport the most uninteresting gray suits in the world.  I can't think of any other reason to wear Ward Cleaver's hand-me-downs.

Unable to shut-up, the commish had to put out a statement to the media. Parts of which follow. The guy is a master. You have to admit.

"Let's put the Derek Jeter question to bed: "

To bed? WTF? Derek Jeter needed sleep; he overslept and missed his flight? Did  Bud read him a Winnie the pooh tale while he fluffed The Derek's pillow?"

"There isn't a player that I'm more proud of in the last 15 years than Derek Jeter" 

So much for Cal Ripkin, Tony Gwynn, Ken Griffey Jr and the other "isn't a player I could be more proud of" stiffs.

"He has played the game like it should be played. "

With a ball. A bat. A glove, cleats, cap, bases, foul lines, fences and a Bud Selig autograph.

"He's even been a better human being off the field as great as he is on the field."

So in addition to diving into the stands to catch a foul ball he dives out of windows to catch falling confetti.

"I know why Derek Jeter isn't here. I respect that. And I must tell you I think I would have made the same decision that Derek Jeter did."

So Bud endorses oversleeping, being put to bed, and having bedtime stories read to him.

I couldn't read anymore. And I refuse to link to it on ESPNs site. Nobody but nobody should be encouraged to read anything Selig says unless its a suicide note and he really means it and his will says all his suits have to be buried with him.

Gotta love the guy though for being an outstanding source of jaw-dropping amazement. Maybe he is  worth the $18 Million salary and $500,000 per year expense account.  But the more I think about it the more I think:

No. Dear God. No.  Please. No. No!. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!